The Journey Home
by the-lesbionic-woman
Summary: Amy has spent too long in this conflicted state. She muses about what's happened as she tries to move forward, but as rocky as the journey is, Karma is home. (One-shot, slight AU.)


**Author's Note:** I have been bored lately so I've decided to write a few fanfictions because I haven't in a really long time`. So sad. :( Anyway, I hope you all don't totally hate it. I own nothing except an empty hamster cage and this laptop.

**The Journey Home**

_- Present Day -_

The cold in Austin is a different cold. It's wetter and sinks into your bones, draining any last bit of warmth you have to feed itself. Of course, I am also kind of pessimistic so maybe that's just me.

Between the biting January night air and the cold emptiness I feel, I'm pretty convinced that the only way I could ever be warm was to fling myself into the sun. There is a gleam on the road from the earlier rains, and I shove my hands deeper into my hoodie's pocket. I want nothing more than to run to Karma or even to Shane, but I feel like it'd be a waste of my time and theirs.

I really wish I could get out of this rut, but after the fiasco of the Hester Holiday Ball, the only thing that gives me comfort is a walk like this one where my breath puffs out in cloud of gray and the cold nips at my cheeks and nose. My footsteps echo in this strangely silent world, but it's better than the echoes of rumors and snide comments that follow me at school.

I think back to December, back to the events that changed everything so dramatically this year even compared to Homecoming.

_- Hester High's Holiday Ball -_

"Amy, you look beautiful," my mother said quietly. The awkwardness that laced her voice wasn't lost on me, and I knew she was thinking of who my date was because instead of hugging me and taking pictures, she patted me on the shoulder.

I tried not to grimace as I muttered out "Thank you," before escaping out of the door. Karma waited for me outside with Liam and Shane. My mom thought I was going with Karma, but Karma had her eyes only on Liam. She sat in the passenger's seat as Liam drove, leaving me to sit in the back with Shane. He squeezed my hand supportively, and I sent him a small, half-hearted smile before turning to stare out of the window all the way to the school.

The gym was packed to the brim of elegantly dressed high schoolers, and I felt awkward in my pantsuit next to all of the other girls in their gowns and dresses even though I was more than uncomfortable wearing stuff like that.

"Hi ladies and gentlemen," Principal Penelope greeted us. "Karma, Amy, you two look lovely. Shane, Liam, dashing fellows."

After she left, an awkward silence fell over our group. Karma was inching closer to Liam and further from me which couldn't have been a more appropriate physical representation of what was happening in our relationship. Not relationship. Friendship. Shane cleared his throat and went off to engage Lauren in one of their regular spats that they both secretly enjoyed because "it wasn't the holidays without confrontation."

"Do you want to dance?" Liam asked her. She only looked to me briefly before smiling at him.

"It's okay, I don't actually feel like dancing anymore anyway," I said honestly.

It didn't take her long to follow his lead into the crowd. A few people turned curious eyes on them then looked to me with pity. I couldn't stand it. How was everyone catching on to the whole Karma-Liam thing besides the fact they were mind numbingly obvious?

I snuck out of the gym and walked the hallways. It was quiet where I could be alone with my thoughts and away from the eyes of the student body. Shane had told me to tell her but how could I? He said it took two people to make a great kiss, and maybe it did. But Karma was also really good at pretending, at fully committing to any scheme she came up with, and it wasn't necessarily a bad thing. I just didn't really have any hope she cared for me in a way more than friendship.

But the weight of it all was crushing in on me from all angles. I even got a 98 on one of my AP Biology tests instead of a 100, and that was enough to shake me from my self-induced unawareness of the situation. Sure she held my hand during the day when everyone could see and think, "Aw what a cute lesbian couple, glad we made them Homecoming queens." But she stopped holding my hand everywhere else, she never hugged me, never touched me anymore. That kind of physical affection was reserved for Liam and Liam alone now. I couldn't really blame her. She told me she was in love with him and she really wanted to make it work. I knew that meant she felt obligated to keep up the ruse that she and I were together; after all, he was still apparently severely allergic to commitment.

I was sitting on a table outside on the quad when she found me. The clock was striking midnight apparently, and I'd spent the entire dance out here.

"I didn't know where you were," she said, perching next to me. "I checked all the high places first so it took me a while to find you."

"You have a hickey on your neck. How long were you looking?" Bitterness crept into my voice without my permission. I wanted to take it back but couldn't.

"Fifteen minutes," she finally admitted; the truth actually hurt more hearing it coming from her lips.

"Yeah, that's what I thought."

I got up, picking back up my jacket and heading away.

"Amy, wait!"

I paused though I knew right away I shouldn't have let her catch up to me. The words were bubbling up in my throat. If there was an opening, I knew I was about to spill all of these secrets I'd tried to keep hidden from her for the past few months. Her eyes searched mine. I was already a goner before I realized it.

"We have to talk," I said.

"I know."

"Everything has changed," I finally spoke up. "We're not who we once were. Our friendship isn't what it used to be."

"I'm sorry," she whispered miserably. "I don't know what happened."

I took a deep breath. I had to. It was just… It hurt too much to keep it in.

"Karma, I have to tell you something."

"What is it?" Confusion laced her every word.

"I don't think I'm pretending anymore."

The admission came out a lot more bluntly than I'd ever intended. A few sounds were painfully prominent in my ears. The thudding of my heart, her sharp intake of breath, my own surprised gasp. It was out there now though. The words I'd spoken in to the universe I couldn't take back. I wondered if she saw my shame written all over my face. She took my hand and looked gently in to my eyes. It didn't take a psychic to know she was about to let me down as easily as she could.

"I love you, Amy," she began, "but I'm just not… You know, _in_ love with you. I'm so, so sorry."

The genuine apology in her voice was enough to make tears began to prickle in my eyes. She looked like she wanted to hug me, but the confusion she was going through reflected in her eyes before stopped herself. She squeezed my hand again before she dropped it, biting her lip awkwardly. Hot tears spilled over and streamed down my cheeks. I was feeling incredibly nauseous all of a sudden.

"I just, I had to tell you," I sobbed, taking a few steps back and away from her. The distance felt so much greater. "It wasn't fair, knowing you were pretending when I wasn't. You deserve to know."

She reached out to me, but I turned and ran as quickly as I could. I was never a very good runner until that night. I didn't stop until my lungs were aching and my legs were shaking so hard I couldn't move anymore. I sat on the sidewalk near my house trying to collect myself before I went inside. I couldn't bear the idea of my mother seeing me like this; I couldn't even imagine what she and her fiancée would say to me. Oh God, and if Lauren was there too, I couldn't. I just couldn't.

My phone vibrated continuously in my pocket, most from Karma, a few from Shane. I turned off my phone, wiped my makeup off, and went inside with my head held as high as I could manage it. I didn't know what the next few days at school before the break would be like. At that point, I didn't care. I said what I needed to, what I thought I never could. The weight was significantly less. I could walk and breathe freely. The only secrets left over weren't mine to bear.

- _Present Day _-

I'd long since passed Karma's house, lost in thought but not so lost that I didn't see Liam's car parked outside. I wonder what her parents were thinking. Did she tell them the truth finally? Or did she create a different story to explain it? We hadn't spoken very much since that night, but when we went back to school, she would send me these loaded glances behind eyes so guarded I almost didn't recognize her. My heart breaks every time I think about it, more for our friendship than what could have been.

The only real contact I had with her since was the time she showed up at my room, soaked from head to toe, the day our holiday break started.

- _December 20__th__ -_

"Karma?" I asked as I walked into my room, dropping my books in shock. "You're shivering! And wet! What happened?"

"I just, I had to see you. We've never gone this long like this!" she nearly shrieked. "I hate this rut, Amy! I hate it so much."

She broke down into sobs, and I fell instantly back into the role of being her best friend, her comfort. I wrapped my arms around her tightly, whispering soft words into hear ear and hoping she would hear them. She cried so hard she nearly hyperventilated. Minutes passed though it felt like hours. The cold wind threw open my window and dried my own tears into ice on my face.

Without warning she pulled back, looked for something in my eyes that I guessed she found, because the next moment, she'd pressed her lips to mine. She kissed me ferociously, needily, hungrily. She kissed me in the way I'd dreamed about for so long, and I couldn't help but kiss her back with equal fervor. Her tiny moan crept its way into my ears and down into my soul. It knocked us both back to reality, and she pulled away so fast that it hurt.

"I shouldn't have done that," she said with a similar panic I'd had the first time I kissed her creeping into her voice. "I'm so sorry, Amy. God, I'm so sorry!"

She fled right then, leaving me to try to pick up the pieces she seemed to be able to shatter me so easily into these days.

- _Present Day_ -

School starts back tomorrow, and I'm nervous. Karma and Liam were official, but the popularity Karma wanted had begun to dissipate. However, the popularity I never wanted clings to me still like a terribly shrunken sweater, hot and suffocating. Wherever I go, there's always someone from our school that looks at me with a soft smile or a supportive look.

I never run into Karma anymore.

Jasmine is my saving grace. She's been so good through all of this, so supportive. She's also one of the only friends I have that seems to truly understand my situation. We'd gone on two more dates before deciding we were better off as friends, at least for now. So where Karma once was, Jasmine is now, filling in the silence with supportive texts or funny pictures. She's a truly lovely person.

I fall asleep that night hoping my dreams didn't feature Karma.

But as they always do, she's there when I close my eyes, and my dream self curses until my alarm goes off the next morning.

"Amy, breakfast!"

I trudge down the stairs to endure a nearly silent breakfast before Jasmine picks me up to drop me off at Hester. I wave to her as she drives off, promising to text her after school. Karma is looking at me when I turn around. The second our eyes meet, she quickly glances away and leaves to follow Liam and Shane to their before school hangout. I bite back a sigh and dash quickly into the building.

"Amy," my AP English teacher says in surprise as I dart in and slam the door behind me.

"Sorry, Mrs. Carlson," I blush, "I just had to get away before people saw me."

She nods like she understands and gestures for me to take a seat.

"We have a few minutes before the first bell if you want to talk about anything," she smiles. "I think the entire school knows about what happened between you and Miss Ashcroft unfortunately."

"She didn't feel the same," I shrug helplessly. "That's all there is to it."

"Are you sure?"

I feel her concern, but it didn't annoy me like the others. If I could trust anyone at this school, I am pretty sure it's her. I just get so uncomfortable talking about my issues.

"No," I finally admit. "It just… Things got complicated too fast."

"High school is weird like that," Mrs. Carlson says after a moment. "If you think you've caught up to a situation, it speeds by again."

"Does that ever change?"

She looks thoughtful. "Honestly, Miss Raudenfeld? No, it doesn't. But you do learn to manage yourself better, to lessen the impact chaos has on you. If that makes any sense."

I think about it before nodding. "I suppose it does."

The bell rings, startling me into hastily grabbing my books. Before I'm out of the door, Mrs. Carlson calls after me.

"You know, you're more than welcome to talk to me anytime. You know where to find me."

I give her a genuine smile and nod then head to my first class of the day.

A few weeks pass by, and I find myself falling into an unlikely friendship with Mrs. Carlson. She gives some really good advice. Jasmine and I have forged a strong bond. Our conversations are easy. I think, even more so than Shane, she helped me to come to terms to who I am and what I feel. It's very rare if she isn't over after school so we can talk about our days and work on homework in companionable silence.

Today is one of those rare days though. Instead of Jasmine just coming in like normal, there's a knock at my door. I throw out a careless, "Come in!" At the sound of the door opening, I look up from my book to find Karma standing awkwardly in the doorway. She looks unsure as she shifts her weight from foot to foot avoiding my eyes.

"Karma!" I say in surprise. Her eyes snap onto mine so suddenly that my breath hitches.

I forgot how beautiful her eyes are.

"Who was that girl?" her voice is accusing, harsh, and completely foreign to me.

"_Excuse_ me?" I demand, immediately defensive.

"She has been bringing you to school every single day since our winter break," Karma bites out. "Who is she? Is she your new _girlfriend_?"

Her voice is higher with each word she says, and I'm sure any other day I would find this funny but today I'm just angry and frustrated.

"What in the hell, Karma?" I bite. "What the actual hell?"

"I just," she begins in frustration. "Who is she?"

"Her name is Jasmine. She's really cool."

"Where did you meet her?"

"Online," I say finally.

"Online? _Online_?" she shrieks. "Are you sleeping with her?"

"You haven't even tried to talk to me in _weeks_, and now you roll in here with all of _this_?" I demand. I take some satisfaction in the way her face flushes scarlet and her eyes narrow in barely contained frustration. "What is really going on here?"

"Damn it!" she yells to the ceiling before grabbing my face and kissing me. "_That_ is what this is about!"

I blink back at her as a million different emotions cocoon me in a stifling blanket of crap.

"Don't you see?" she asks quietly, tears rushing down her face. "Don't you see?"

Her voice is so small and broken. I wonder if this is how she felt the night of the ball watching my breakdown. I want so badly to reach out for her, but just as she did, I can't bring myself to touch her. I'm so terrified that I'm going to be burned by her emotion-fueled outburst.

"I can't stop thinking about it, Amy," she choked out. "Every moment of every day. I was being honest the night at the dance. I was, but after you left, I started feeling _everything_. Every moment spent with Liam started to feel like a lie instead of the other way around. Every time I passed you in the halls, I couldn't find anything to say no matter how much I looked for the words."

She sobs openly now.

"And when she started bringing you to school, all I could think was that's my job. That I'm being replaced because I didn't figure it out until it was too late and because I was too stubborn to reach out for you when you're the only person I needed."

I don't realize I'm crying too until she reaches up and rests her palm against my face, brushing errant tears away with her thumbs.

"I'm in love with you, Amy," whispers Karma hoarsely, "I'm in love with you, and I just don't know what to do. There's so much noise going on in my head that I just can't seem to focus on anything. I failed my math test last week. Like completely bombed it. I can't even hold Liam's hand without freaking remembering when I held yours. My dreams are filled with you. You're _haunting_ me, Amy, and it feels like it's _killing_ me."

I don't think either of us could have stopped crying at that point even if we taped our eyes shut. With emotional strength I didn't think I had, I step forward and wrap my arms around her so tightly I feel like there is no space between us anymore, that we aren't two teenagers stuck in some cloud of confusion. We're just us in that moment, connected by something more complex than we could have ever imagined that afternoon in the gym when I kissed her in front of all of those people. Of course doubts creep into my mind, but I shove them back. Karma has been part of my life for so long; I'm sure her parents think her destiny is intertwined with mine. Maybe they're right. Or maybe Lauren will be right and we'll both end up drifting apart after high school always remembering these moments in a passing fashion during a late night visit to the bar or in an empty bed.

We're still young though. Anything could happen.

In this moment, however, I'm content to have my best friend back. None of us can predict the future, and I know I'll be talking this over with Jasmine tomorrow. She's been here before, and I already know she'll be as supportive and as honest with me as ever.

But right now, I'm here with Karma lost in this moment, and it soothes my worries about the future.

Of course, the kisses definitely help.


End file.
